Backwards/Forwards - A 2010 Retospective

The end of the year is one of the few times that I attempt to get philosophical. It is the time where I look back at all of the pleasure and pain that was endured and to delve into the future and try and conjure up what it might have in store. (For all you non loyalistas this is the equivalent of a Cliff notes version of the blog.)
2010 was an incredible year, not so much in the performances that were put down (although 628 & Cathedral Pines were sweet) but in all the cultural experiences (Giromania), great times that were had (Sedona, Singlespeed-a-Palooza, relocating Dark Horse Cycles, Raystown Lake, Beer Cross), freindships that were further built up (Doctor Wesley McLearn, Obamador, Monte, the Kegerator), the trials and tribulations of having to deal with my first season riddled with injury (hip & ribs, missing Cxmas) and the birth of Marci de Sade's daughter Isabelle (who no doubt will be a force to be reckoned with on the Cx circut).
Not one to break with sacred traditions, the crew of Dark Horse Cycles gathered at the future home of the new HQ to kick off the 2010 season with the New Year's Day ride/barbecue/Kegerator training session. What didn't surprise any of us was the lack of Mike "MIA" Davidson, what did surprise us was when his cougar, Katie, pulled into the parking lot of HQ and with a look that only a boy toy could appreciate and announced "if any of you losers even try to take my toy out for a ride I am going to grab you by the nuts, rip them off and put them in a jar on the mantle next to Mike's". Well by the time the last words came spewing out of her pie hole we were all clipped in and heading out of the parking lot faster then you could say "lick my sack and call me Jesus". It wasn't going to be a good year for the Mikesquatch!
Still smarting from the late season injury (and not yet knowing just what was going on) I was not going to let it deter my plans for the year even after a visit to the surgeon revealed just how extensive the damage was and what the solution to my problems would be.With Top Chef, Braveheart and I prepping for our WADA sponsored trip to the Giro (Operation Space Cake) in Amsterdam,we all decided it was time to finally get into a road race to better understand the mindset of the racers to ensure proper research would be completed over the span of the weekend in the land of bicycles. Enter the Tour of the Battenkill, the queen of spring classic racing in the Northeast. But before we could embark on this new aspect of racing it was off to Sedona to meet up with Doctor Wesley Mclearn of Team Seagal, the sweet singletrack of Sedona and of course the now infamous "El Charro", simply the best margarita to be had.Fully trained from almost a week in the desert we set off for TdB fame (Top Chef and I both making the top 20 in Cat 5) a week of recovery and then to what is now a benchmark race on the East Coast - Singlespeed-a-Palooza where I Singlespeed-a-Booza'ed my way around the mudfest and had a total blast.After 4 days cruising the canals, consuming copious amounts of strong Belgian & French beer, touring the Red Light District, doing our best to complete the Zagat's Guide to the Coffee Shops and riding bikes around the city at all hours of the day and night we all came to the conclusion that the entire peleton was doping (how could you not in this city). If we had to pick one city in the world to work in we could suffer with doing it here. Sure it might lack the culture of NYC but you can ride everywhere and everyone was a lot more mellow (gee what a surprise).Returning from the Giro, the NECS had a bit of a cycling epiphany and at the behest of Top Chef the subsidiary corporation, Millionaire's Riding Club (MRC) was formed so that those of us that grind it out Monday - Friday would have a crew to road ride with, push the boundaries in distance training (and add membership to the guppy gallery) and throw in some alternative riding at Diablo.
By the time August rolled around, the Mayor and Raveinator were getting established in the new Dark Horse HQ (with the Mayor in command).Meanwhile JJ (the newly crowned Fat Chick with Hot Girlfriends), Mrs C-Dubs and I were rolling into Coburn for Pennsylvania's version of running with the bulls, the Wilderness 101. Conditions were perfect with Mrs C-Dubs making the first 40, C-Dubs throwing down a pr and Fat Chick popping his dirty century cherry with a Terri Ti Saddle busting time of 11:30!
With a successful summer of riding in the books I sashayed into the Labor Day weekend looking to put the finishing touches on my conditioning for the Vermont 50, where a good chunk of the team was to be deployed to inflict maximum carnage and wrist snapping on the field. Well the only sashaying I did was to the doctors office to check out the ribs I broke that Friday on the season's first night ride (worst of all is they were broken on a hike-a-bike section), well so much for the Vermont 50. Next up was the trip to Raystown Lake where Major Mike lead the charge as we slaughtered the trails like cattle in a Chicago meat house. This was followed up with the Dark Horse 628 Challenge, a mtb orienteering non race in the Forests of Stewart where the never before seen Poecilia C-Dubus Montalbania Reticulata made multiple appearances and was pushed (literally) to victory by Monte.Taking the knowledge and pain I learned to endure from my stint with Monte it was off to the 6 Hours of Cathedral Pines. Here we were blessed with 10 mile laps of sweet flowing singletrack with less then 300' of climbing per lap. Six hours and nine minutes later I had 70 miles in the books and the top step of the podium, along with Mrs. C-Dubs and this sweet hardware.Well riding for 6+ hours in 40 degree weather and then standing around for 3 hours waiting for the computerized results did my hip no good and soon everything had tightened up so much I could barely get a leg over the bike. This didn't manage to deter me from having a go at Beer Cross where Senor Agua defended his title with a beautifully executed projectile vomit into the trash can if front of yours truly.The real problem was the combination of Cathedral Pines, setting up Beer Cross and then riding it the next day killed my hip and I was barely able to walk. It was with great sadness that I had to inform my good friends in St. Louis that the Grinch had stole my Cxmas.
So where does this leave me for 2011? Well to start out the season I will be heading to St. Louis for unfinished business at the Middle Fork XC Non Race with Team Seagal. Having completed early season training and perfecting wrist snapping techniques it will be off to the Tour of the Battenkill. From there it will be in for a check on the condition of the hip to see if the slicing and dicing will have to take place this year of if I can possibly hang on for another year. Then it is Singlespeed-a-Palooza (and you're a loser if you don't make this one), followed by numberous MRC century training rides before heading to Coburn for a 9th straight go at the 101.
At the urging of Major Mike some of us will head back to Pennsylvania for the countries longest Cx race, Iron Cross, to be followed up with the 628 Challenge, 6 Hours of Cathedral Pines and Beer Cross. If I am really feeling sassy there could even be a return to St. Louis to for the inspiration of Beer Cross - Cxmas. So until the New Year comes and we set out on our annual ride, have fun and party hardy.

Happy Holidays From The New East Coast Syndicate

The Grinch That Stole Cxmas

Every dog has his day and certainly the last dozen or so have not been mine. With the arrival of the really cold weather so has arrived the pain in my hip. Having struggled through Beer Cross where I could barely get over a barrier, I have had to throw in the towlie and skip the very race that served as inspiration for Beer Cross - Team Seagal's Cxmas.
Having secured my preferred race number, 69, and a flight to St Louis to enjoy some PBRs/Buds, I was excited as, well, you know from before. Team Seagal, my hosts for the weekend, had made arrangements to rival Bret Michaels on a Rock of Love episode. Upon arrival in St Louis I was to be greeted by my limo driver and swiftly delivered to prime seating at the bar in the Ritz Carlton where Russ would ply me with the cocktails of choice. There I had a king size suite on the top floor for post race celebrations. Once the proper buzz was attained Russ would call in the Seagal Swat Team for extraction to headquarters where I would meet the rest of the team and commence a briefing for the night's party. From there it was to The Hub where I would not only be offered a bevy of fine rides from the quivers of the team but be the first at the shop party.
Then the next morning a "ridiculously huge breakfast" (Dos Primos?) before heading out to race. And surely some out of control partying afterwards. Well as I sit here writing in a vicodin haze at 2:00 in the morning I have come, sadly, to the realization that I will have to miss this monumental event. As a thank you to my hosts I present my version of How The Grinch Stole Cxmas, enjoy.

Every Jerk
Down in Jerk-ville
Liked Cxmas a lot...

But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Jerk-ville,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Cxmas! The whole Cxmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his wrist wasn't snapped quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his briefs were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his tool was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his briefs or his cleats,
He stood there on Cxmas Eve, hating the Jerks,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Jerk down in Jerk-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a Energor wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Cxmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Cxmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Jerk girls and Jerk boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their bikes!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Jerks, young and old, would start off on a ride.
And they'd ride ! And they’d drink!
And they'd ride! drink! ride! drink!
They would start on Jerk egg nog, and rare Jerk Chinese food
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand even in his mood!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Jerk down in Jerk-ville, the tall and the small,
Would ride close together, with Cxmas bells ringing.
They'd ride wheel-to-wheel. And the Jerks would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Jerk-Cxmas-Sing
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Cxmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Seagal Claus hat and a Seagal coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Seagal Nick!"

"All I need is a 29er..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since 29er’s are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a 29er, I'll make a Jenken Cycle instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a Nite Rider on top of his head.

THEN
He loaded some tubes
And some old empty Co2
On a ramshackle singlespeeder
And he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!"
And the bike started down
Toward the homes where the Jerks
Lay a-boozin’ in their town.

All their windows were dark. Sweet smoke filled the air.
All the Jerks were all dreaming sweet Cxmas dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Seagal Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Seagal could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Jerk helmets all hung in a row.
"These helmets," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Power Taps! And bicycles! Riding glasses! Gloves!
Bib shorts ! Tricycles! Handlebars! And Rims!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Jerks' PBR!
He took the Jerk-Dos Primos! He took the “egg rolls”!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Jerk-hash!

Then he stuffed all the swag up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Jerk!
Little Sasha-Lou Jerkaroo, who was not more than twenty two.

The Grinch had been caught by this little Jerk daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a can of cold beer and a shot of water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Seagal Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Cxmas tree? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Seagal Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my bikeshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a stiff drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Sasha-Lou Jerk went to bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food
The he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Jerks' houses

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Jerks' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Jerks, still a-bed
All the Jerks, still a-boozin’
When he packed up his singlespeed,
Packed it up with their helmets! The tires! Handlebar wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Strumpet,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Jerks!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Cxmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their heads will hang over a minute or two
"The all the Jerks down in Jerk-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Jerk-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Jerk down in Jerk-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any bicycles at all!
He HADN'T stopped Cxmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without handlebars! It came without seats!
"It came without tubes, Co2 or saddle bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Cxmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Cxmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Jerk-ville they say
That the Grinch's 26er
Grew three inches that day!
And the minute his bike didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the bikes! And the PBR for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the Dos Primos!

2010 Beer Cross - Waters Throws Down Then Up To Win Big

Here at the New East Coast Syndicate we like to close out the riding season with a bit of a party that is disguised as a race - Beer Cross - and for those that are involved in the set up and planning (C-Dubs and the Ewok of Moab) it tends to spill over, literally into a 2 day bender. This year was no exception as the IPAs started flowing Saturday morning as I staked out the course, and subsequently spilled into the shop with the Mayor where we both attacked the kegerator with zeal.
Those non racers that were astute enough to register not only were rewarded not only with spokecards but swag never before handed out at a non race, these custom growlers to hold you beverage of choice.Heeding to the cries for mercy after last year's slaughter of the dizzy bat, this year's event featured a bevy of options for each lap that included egg nog (with or without rum)and it's 13 grams of fat per serving.White Castle sliders, PBRs, hot peppers (habaneros & jalapenos) and of course the famous bat. Even the most serious of non racers paid heed to the race organizer's threat, to do to them what a dog locked in for the night does to the first tree it comes upon after being let out, and came out in costume.

HazelRicky Bobbie "If you ain't first your last"Ricky Bobbie's RideNaughty NunThe CrewAs the riders stepped up to the line, The Stig finally released the months of pent up male tension at not having Mikesquatch to ride with and did his best Madonna/Britney Spears rendition as he locked the young cougar cub in a bromantic moment of love.And I say moment because right after this, as Mrs Mayor gave the starting command, our tech gurus at C-Farms caught this shot of Mikesquatch and the drag queen C-Dubs both tripping The Stig at the line.With the sprint on, Top Chef lead the charge to the bikes where the mandatory consumption commenced. Immediately pre race strategies played out with Senor Agua making fast work of his PBR and setting a blistering early pace. Meanwhile Top Chef and The Stig (aka Infantile Tom) were waving for someone to come and give the Heimlich maneuver to each as they literally chocked down a pair of White Castle sliders.There were even a few brave souls that started the run with Jalapenos in mouth.
As the laps ticked by there were several strategies being deployed by the riders. True partiers showed their colors with devotion to the PBR section that rivaled any orthodox religious sect, even taking breaks to consume several beers before heading back out. Another group adopted the strategy of consuming a different offering each lap but fast learned that the 2 minutes heating up the sliders resulted in rather slow lap times. Finally the speed merchants showed their true colors and after a couple of laps of PBRs opted for the Habaneros with El Obamador being the first to take the bite.First taking a cautious bite, commenting that "these aren't that hot" and then taking the rest of the Habanero in one bite before riding off on his next lap. Coming around to the pits on the following lap El Obamador, with tears streaming from his eyes, went straight for the PBRs and according to witnesses took down a couple trying to put the fire out. At this point it was too late for him to get the word of caution out and Habaneros were going off the table faster then promo dresses in a limo. The highlight of hot pepper option came when Bunny Rabbit hit the pits and in a quest for glory grabbed one of the Habaneros, consumed it in one bite and rode off into the sunset.C-Dubs happened upon this poor sole later in the lap while prancing over the barriers
only to see a man in tears with snot pouring out of his nose and a plea for liquids you would expect to hear from a man in the middle of the desert.
Always one to go with the crowd, Senor Agua pitted from the lead and went straight for the Habaneros consuming the biggest one in a single bite and speeding back out onto the course. C-Dubs, during one of his "social PBR pit stops" witnessed this act of bravery and was so dumbfounded he could do only one thing, drink yet another beer and wait for Senor Agua to hit the pits on the next lap. Perhaps from watching countless episodes of Man vs. Food, Senor Agua pitted with fire in his eyes in quest of dairy product to calm the burn. Well that meant egg nog and with the zeal displayed over the past laps he grabbed the biggest glass and chugged, hoping for instant relief. And get it he did, immediately launching a stream of egg nog, sliders, PBR, Habenaro and bile into the garbage can leaving C-Dubs speechless and grabbing for yet another PBR. No sooner had he emptied and it was off on the bike for more laps. In the closing laps Top Chef witnessed yet another purge by Senor Agua,clearly he had paid close attention to section in the non rules around puking on the course (and when you let it fly in front of the race organizer you really score points with the judges) and was doing all he could to secure the top step.
When the dust had settled, snot wiped away and puke cleaned off it was clear one non racer stood above all others in showing true Beer Cross spirit. The hands down, and throw up, winner and defending champion was none other then Senor Agua.

(Yeah I had a few to drink before shooting this sideways)
Podium Hardware
Winner and Defending ChampionIn second place, making a rare guest appearance was Katie's little cub Mikesquatch Davidson and in third, for leading the charge in the Habanero department was El Obamador. The special douche bag award went to last year's consolation prize winner, The Stig (aka 3 Beer Rossi).

2 Days To Decision Time

Choose your race strategy wisely on each lap and you too could be the winner of Beer Cross 2010.

Yummy Pabst
Seasonal Egg Nog
Hangover Sliders
Delicious Peppers
The Throw Up Bat

Get Out And Vote!

Look to the right and cast your ballot on whether Mikesquatch will show up for beer cross or claim there is another cub scout meeting at Katie's penthouse.

Beer Cross/Cxmas Race Preparation

Weather is getting colder which means the hip is beginning to hurt more, a lot more. One thing is sure, nothing is going to get in the way of Cxmas and Beer Cross, the mother and daughter of all Cx racing. When all else fails turn to the real chinaman and suck it up as the needles go in. A few more sessions of this and hopefully all will be better.

6 Hours Of Cathedral Pines -Sweet Singletrack Leads To The Top Of The Box

There are a lot of things that get the NECS excited about riding but the prospect of extracting one's self from the confines of a really warm bed to go out in 40 degree windy weather (praise Allah it was sunny) and race for 6 hours is not one of them. What did make this tolerable (like a coffee & Kahlua for breakfast after a big bender) was the promise of a 10 mile lap of nothing but buff singletrack with only 300' of climbing per lap and knowing that when it was all over I could begin to focus my training on Beer Cross and Cxmas by drinking copious amounts of alcoholic beverages.
In the world of real estate it is location, location, location and it is not much different when racing the clock. The last thing you want is a shitty pit position by the Port-O-John where the stench of every rider's deposit is lingering there for your aromatic pleasure lap after lap. With that in mind Mrs C-Dubs and I set off for Cathedral Pines about the time that smart vampires are heading home. Well the payoff was big and we slotted the Audi assault vehicle right next to the exit from the timing stations ensuring that a)stops would be fast, b) the Mrs (when not riding) would be performing her role as world class bottle bitch and c)the chance for some good pictures as we came out of the timing station would be high. Not to mention getting there early ensured no waiting in the cold registration line and first shot at the goth themed hoodys and hats (decorated in skulls)the boys from Something Wicked Endurance Racing had to offer to keep you warm.
250 riders, a mass start, less then 1/2 mile to the trail head entrance and 10 miles of twisting singletrack ahead meant only one thing - the entrance into the woods on the first lap was going to be akin to stuffing 20 lbs. of shit into a 5 lb bag. To prevent being a part of the pile o' poo, Muttonchops, Senor Agua, MacGyver and I all slotted into the second row while Mrs. C-Dubs opted to head to the back and get a good laugh watching the ensuing chaos. The gun went off and suddenly it was a mad dash up the opening road climb with riders doing anything to get on the front. Maybe it's the lap format or that most of the riders are from the XC discipline that drives this mentality (as opposed to the 100 milers which roll out at a casual pace for a long day in the saddle) of jostling for every last position in the first 3 minutes of a 6 hour event, but whatever it is I joined in and made the entrance into the woods before the big steaming pileup arrived. The jam ups continued over the first couple of miles where all the climbing took place and once over the top of the third climb Senor Agua and MacGyver put the wood down and disappeared into the distance as I settled into my zone with Muttonchops right behind. Mrs C-Dubs, this being her first foray into pure singletrack riding was in a class of her own at the back taking in the scenery and just having a down right good time.
By the third lap I had caught Senor Agua who was having a tough go with the ever loosening EBB and the resulting chain drops.Muttonchops, not having raced since the Dark Horse 40 was lifting off the accelerator and planning the fourth lap landing in his folding chair to take in the rest of the race and on the sixth lap I caught up to MacGyver who politely upped the pace until there was a good passing area (and on this course they were as rare as a virgin on Rock of Love).
Crossing the line for the sixth time at 5:15 into the race I knew it was the final lap. Having learned at the 628 Challenge, compliments of Mr Monte Montalbano, just how deep one can really reach when needed, I took the bottle hand off from Mrs C-Dubsand sped off into the setting sun for my final lap, slipping off my fastest time by only 2 minutes. Based on the previous year's times and a course that was billed as harder, I crossed the line in 6:09 feeling pretty comfortable on taking the win, headed to the car and toweled off before changing into some warm clothes.
In a true Alzheimer's moment I then realized I had failed to pack any fine yeasty malted beverages for the post race celebration and a quick check of the finish area showed no beer being served. Finally a couple hours after the last rider was in and we witnessed this beautiful sunset.I then realized what happened to the beer - clearly the organizers had done their best to consume all of it before the race was over and must have succeeded because it took 2 hours to post the computerized results and another hour to finally hand out the hardware. In the end both C-Dubs and the Mrs took home top honors in the Master's class, well worth the wait for these kick ass medals!Unless of course your skill sets were good enough to get one of these at the Dark Horse 40.With hardware in hand and the Mrs. behind the wheel we set off for the casa de C-dubs where it was an immediate bacchanalian orgy (who the hell wants food after all that riding - bring on the wine!) where our consumption rate would have challenged even David Hasselhoff to keep up. Now on to some real important races - Beer Cross and then off to St. Louis for the infamous Team Seagal Cxmas!

Mrs C-Dubs Rules MastersC-Dubs Taking Top Honors In Masters

Don't Be A Loser

Do you really want to show up for the Sunday rides and have everyone that was intelligent enough to register for Beer Cross to flash you with this gang symbol -Because if you don't get in now you will seeing a lot of that sign from these intelligent registrants
#1 - Senor Agua
#2 - Braveheart
#3 - Raveinator
#4 - Infantile Tom
#5 - Anonymous Special Guest Rider
#6 - Tom "Hobo Slayer" Hill
#7 - Obamador
#8 - Jocelyn Linscott
#9 - Mike Montalbano
#10 - Another Anonymous Special Guest Rider
#11 - Jim Boyd
#12 - Bunny Rabbit (so excited he registered twice!)
#13 - Jeff Baringer (friend and lover of the bunny)
#14 - John Vicari
#15 - Adam James
#16 - Mikesquatch
#17 - Siren of Stewart
#18 - John Delavalle
#19 - Chris Vohl
#20 - BR Delaney
#21 - Tom Pannorfi
#69* - C-Dubs
#420* - Top Chef
#El Jefe* - The Mayor
* - Limited edition spokecards are not indicative of the total number available

Beer Cross News Flash

Rumors are sweeping the country that Mike "Mikesquatch" Davidson (a.k.a. Hawaiian Mike) is poised to come out of retirement for one final fling on a bike at this year's Beer Cross. Immediately the New East Coast Syndicate dispatched ace reporter George "The Mayor" Zubalsky for this rare one-on-one interview at CBS studios with Mike's favorite cougar.

Mayor - "So Katie, what finally prompted Mike to come out of retirement for Beer Cross?"

Katie the Cougar - "I agreed to let him out of the cougar den for this one last fling with all of you beer guzzling children provided he agreed to tongue massage my feet after every broadcast"


Mayor - "Did Mike have to give it much thought"

Katie - "The yes answer came out of his mouth faster then shit out of a goose's ass. He kept mumbling something about mama bring me another Dale's, baby wants to have some fun"

Mayor - "Do you have any concerns that Mike might flee the den and take up residence in the storage shed at Dark Horse"

Katie - "Why would he? I provide him with an NYC penthouse, a ball gag and an unlimited supply of Depends for those days when I have to work late."

Mayor - "Well you would think the opportunity to drink copious amounts of PBRs and Dale's with his cycling buddies could lead him astray"

Katie the Cougar - "Not a chance, my boys down at Langley have inserted a tracking device where the sun don't shine so there isn't a chance in hell that my little cub is going to get away from mama. In fact as soon as I drag his sorry ass back home he's going to give me the foot licking of my life and then it is off on a cruise from heaven - cougar cruise

Mayor - "I have to admit that sounds pretty tasty, I mean the cruise, not your feet. Any room for me?"

Cougar - "F' off, grow some love handles like my, prrrrrrrr, cub and I might consider it, otherwise beat it and go play with your bikes."

How To Win Beer Cross

If you can beat this you will be declared the winner!
This has nothing to do with beercross except for the beer but we really liked it.

Non Rules Amendment

Here at the NECS we are not a bunch of stubborn old race organizers/rule makers, in fact we are always looking for new and creative input to make hallmark events like Beer Cross a cult classic right up there with Rocky Horror Picture Show, Eraserhead and all the Steven Seagal movies. And how do we (I) do this, by listening to the fans that make it happen. So with that I bring you the latest "per lap option" at Beer Cross - HOT PEPPERS!!!! At the behest of one Hobo Slayer, there will be a bowl of hot peppers at the pit stop and you can elect to make one of these your choice for the lap. I have to complement Hobo Slayer since hot peppers tend to make people consume lots of fluids to calm the heat which means either beer or eggnog - choose carefully!

Girliemen Quit Your Whining!!!

I am hearing a lot of whining out there that the per lap non beer options are too stiff! What the hell do you expect, this is beer cross not your sister's sweet sixteen party, c'mon buck up and take it like man if you aren't going to drink. But to accommodate all of you nook suckers, I have changed the rules slightly and added an interesting one as well. Gone are the days of manly men chugging full PBRs each lap, now it goes like this -
- 45 minute race
- Alcohol consumption can be substituted for non drinkers - 1 cup of beer = 10x around the dizzy bat or 1 cup of eggnog, 3 sliders or eat one entire hot pepper
- Non Racers will be DSQed for not doing one of the options
- Serious racers will automatically be DSQed (this is a non race)
- No penalty for puking (in fact it could move you up in the overall standings)
- Costumes Mandatory – 10 minute or 3 beer penalty at the start for not wearing one the entire race (and if you come in kit and claim to be a racer I will personally piss on you)
- LeMans Start
- Mandatory beer/10x dizzy bat/12 oz eggnog/6 sliders/hot pepper prior to mounting bikes
- Mandatory cup of beer/10x dizzy bat/cup of eggnog/3 sliders/hot pepper per lap
- Dismounting mandatory at the Growler Barriers (2 beer/20x dizzy bat/12 oz eggnog/6 sliders per lap per barrier penalty for not dismounting)
- First across the finish line in the riding portion has to do a shot of tequila/20x dizzy bat/24 oz eggnog/8 sliders
- Winner is determined by fastest time/most beer/egg nog/slider/hot peppers consumed/best costume and race committee's discretion
The adjustments are subtle but are still well within the limits of what man/woman is capable of and have been fully tested by an authorized Underwriters Laboratory.Tables will be set up with prepoured allocations of the fine spirits, egg nog (yes we will provide a dash of nutmeg and rum if you so desire) and a microwave for those that require heated sliders.

Beer Cross 2010 Spokecards/Party Favors

As my good friends and fellow warriors of the midwest can attest, spokecards are a highly prized commodity and not cheap to produce - you know how much beer the Mayor requires for laminating these babies, a lot and it has to be good. Keep in mind there is a limited number of these bad boys to go around so I don't want you crying like MacGyver at 628 if you don't register in time to procure what will be the dominate race number on your wall. I won't tell you how many there are to go around but it's not a lot and the slots are filling fast (and no special, that number makes me ride better, requests). To date the following astute collectors of riding memoriabilia have been assured of ownership -

#1 - Senor Agua
#2 - Braveheart
#3 - Raveinator
#4 - Infantile Tom
#5 - Anonymous Special Guest Rider
#6 - Tom "Hobo Slayer" Hill
#7 - Obamador
#8 - Jocelyn Linscott
#9 - Mike Montalbano
#10 - Another Anonymous Special Guest Rider
#11 - Jim Boyd
#12 - Bunny Rabbit (so excited he registered twice!)
#13 - Jeff Baringer (friend and lover of the bunny)
#14 - John Vicari
#15 - Adam James
#16 - Mikesquatch
#69* - C-Dubs
#420* - Top Chef
#El Jefe* - The Mayor
* - Limited edition spokecards are not indicative of the total number available

Race Day Schedule
9:00 - Meet at Dark Horse Cycles for preride PBR
9:15 - Rollout for prerace road ride (race bikes and costumes mandatory on ride)
10:30 - Prerace meeting & start getting shithoused
10:45 - LeMans start
11:15 - Race ends
11:30 - Judges decision and awards ceremony

In addition to the spoke cards we want to ensure there is enough fine, tasty PBR, Egg Nog or sliders for everyone to slam down their pieholes each lap. And of course once your done puking your guts out we want to make sure there is a big enough hero and plenty of pasta to refill your empty stomachs. So get out there and respond either by email or blog comment to secure your number and help us figure out just how big a party to plan for. No using the childern as an excuse not to come, we will supply dog cages and a radiator with leashes to tie the kids up and to. Currently negotiations are progressing with Katie Couric to come and cover the event so there is an obscure chance that Mikesquatch might be released from the dungeon to come play.