The Grinch That Stole Cxmas

Every dog has his day and certainly the last dozen or so have not been mine. With the arrival of the really cold weather so has arrived the pain in my hip. Having struggled through Beer Cross where I could barely get over a barrier, I have had to throw in the towlie and skip the very race that served as inspiration for Beer Cross - Team Seagal's Cxmas.
Having secured my preferred race number, 69, and a flight to St Louis to enjoy some PBRs/Buds, I was excited as, well, you know from before. Team Seagal, my hosts for the weekend, had made arrangements to rival Bret Michaels on a Rock of Love episode. Upon arrival in St Louis I was to be greeted by my limo driver and swiftly delivered to prime seating at the bar in the Ritz Carlton where Russ would ply me with the cocktails of choice. There I had a king size suite on the top floor for post race celebrations. Once the proper buzz was attained Russ would call in the Seagal Swat Team for extraction to headquarters where I would meet the rest of the team and commence a briefing for the night's party. From there it was to The Hub where I would not only be offered a bevy of fine rides from the quivers of the team but be the first at the shop party.
Then the next morning a "ridiculously huge breakfast" (Dos Primos?) before heading out to race. And surely some out of control partying afterwards. Well as I sit here writing in a vicodin haze at 2:00 in the morning I have come, sadly, to the realization that I will have to miss this monumental event. As a thank you to my hosts I present my version of How The Grinch Stole Cxmas, enjoy.

Every Jerk
Down in Jerk-ville
Liked Cxmas a lot...

But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Jerk-ville,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Cxmas! The whole Cxmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his wrist wasn't snapped quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his briefs were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his tool was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his briefs or his cleats,
He stood there on Cxmas Eve, hating the Jerks,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Jerk down in Jerk-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a Energor wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Cxmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Cxmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Jerk girls and Jerk boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their bikes!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Jerks, young and old, would start off on a ride.
And they'd ride ! And they’d drink!
And they'd ride! drink! ride! drink!
They would start on Jerk egg nog, and rare Jerk Chinese food
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand even in his mood!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Jerk down in Jerk-ville, the tall and the small,
Would ride close together, with Cxmas bells ringing.
They'd ride wheel-to-wheel. And the Jerks would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Jerk-Cxmas-Sing
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Cxmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Seagal Claus hat and a Seagal coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Seagal Nick!"

"All I need is a 29er..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since 29er’s are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a 29er, I'll make a Jenken Cycle instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a Nite Rider on top of his head.

THEN
He loaded some tubes
And some old empty Co2
On a ramshackle singlespeeder
And he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!"
And the bike started down
Toward the homes where the Jerks
Lay a-boozin’ in their town.

All their windows were dark. Sweet smoke filled the air.
All the Jerks were all dreaming sweet Cxmas dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Seagal Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Seagal could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Jerk helmets all hung in a row.
"These helmets," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Power Taps! And bicycles! Riding glasses! Gloves!
Bib shorts ! Tricycles! Handlebars! And Rims!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Jerks' PBR!
He took the Jerk-Dos Primos! He took the “egg rolls”!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Jerk-hash!

Then he stuffed all the swag up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Jerk!
Little Sasha-Lou Jerkaroo, who was not more than twenty two.

The Grinch had been caught by this little Jerk daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a can of cold beer and a shot of water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Seagal Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Cxmas tree? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Seagal Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my bikeshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a stiff drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Sasha-Lou Jerk went to bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food
The he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Jerks' houses

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Jerks' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Jerks, still a-bed
All the Jerks, still a-boozin’
When he packed up his singlespeed,
Packed it up with their helmets! The tires! Handlebar wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Strumpet,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Jerks!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Cxmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their heads will hang over a minute or two
"The all the Jerks down in Jerk-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Jerk-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Jerk down in Jerk-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any bicycles at all!
He HADN'T stopped Cxmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without handlebars! It came without seats!
"It came without tubes, Co2 or saddle bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Cxmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Cxmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Jerk-ville they say
That the Grinch's 26er
Grew three inches that day!
And the minute his bike didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the bikes! And the PBR for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the Dos Primos!