Stumbling out to the kitchen for the morning cup of Joe there was a sudden rumbling from deep within my colon. It was the kind of rumble that had you been a Londoner's during WWII you knew it meant one thing and one thing only - The Blitz. Just like my good friend from St. Louis, Coach Ryback, the view from Mt. Kohler looked something like this
as I approached for each of the three sorties that were flown that morning (Coach you always refer to dropping a "deuce", well I have mastered dropping the "triple lindy".) The devastation was so complete that our bathroom was a scene of total destruction
and the Mrs swore it was worse then the mustard gas battles of Verdun requiring special equipment seen in this shot just to make it past the destruction.
Having survived the rite of passage Mrs C-Dubbs was clear headed enough to turn on the Weather Channel just in time for the local forecast and a really good laugh. Seems over the course of a great nights sleep the temps hand dropped faster then a hooker when handed a $50 and the mercury was hovering just above the zero mark (and we are not talking Euro trash measurements, this is good old U.S. of A. Fahrenheit measurements). It was so cold out that you didn't want to go out dressed like this
or you would end up with a these, not that they are a bad thing.
To prepare her man for battle in such conditions the Mrs cooked a plate that the chefs at Dos Primos would have been proud of and sent me off with a stomach full of refried beans, eggs, enchilada sauce and a healthy dose of Cholula sauce to ensure that ample supplies of methane would be keeping my riding shorts warm. Along with that a lathering of Rapha Embrocation
was applied to the quads and knees to maximize comfort. Feeling the deep heating powers of the embrocation working their magic I started suiting up for the ride and while pulling on the leg warmers my coin purse happened to come in contact with the medicated areas. My initial fear was of the tales from high school and jockstraps filled with Ben Gay but alas there was a rather nice warm glow in the nether regions that ensured my package would be protected from potential frostbite.
Despite everyones best efforts to prepare for the onslaught within minutes we were all freezing and in a moment of hypothermia induce hallucinations we all thought by spinning our arms around to get blood to the fingers we had the ability to turn ourselves into helicopters to fly back to Dark Horse and some IPAs.Needless to say this didn't work and we continued on with the ride, being entertained by the Raveinator's repeated falls (which we believe are the result of backward thinking in moving from 29" to 26" wheels). Repeated patches of ice had us all anticipating (and yours truly fearing) on of these
but it didn't stop the Raveinator from contemplating this move
when we passed the frozen lake. Finally with almost 1 1/2 hours of suffering/riding we headed home where the Mayor's beard was used to cool down the beer.
6 comments:
Now that's fuckin cold!!!
Fuckin a right Mr Orin. While StL was cold enough to make Nicwads nipples it was so cold here we were all riding around with 3 adam's apples
Damn brah! Adding a historical slant to your Daily Duty Report, I see! Very classy.
You know, in times of great constipation, I have been known to employ a rather ingenius contraption that I built. With a similar goal in mind as depicted in your video - getting the blood to flow to the extremities - my "human centri-poo-ge" works to move all the poo to the b-hole.
Inspired by the centrifuges in laboratories, this is just on a larger scale - a tilted-back chair attached to a merry-go-round-esque device spins around at 50-60 rpm, which, when having your body tilted in a seated position so that your brown star is the furthest point from the rotational centerpoint, all the poo can't help but become expelled.
The room has walls that now look like an all-brown Jackson Pollock painting.
Jenkem Centrifuge Company?
The innovation that comes from these pages nevar ceases to amaze me. Fantastic report sir, really top notch as always, right down to the comments section. Do they issue a pulitzer prize for blogs yet?
Unadoctor
Mr. Ryback is a multiple winner of the blog pulitzer and rumor has it a recent appointment to the Presidents commission on internet education has secretly been made.
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