Non Tour Of The Battenkill

Yes my good friends and loyalistas of the New East Coast Syndicate, it is that time of the year we all wait for with great anticipation. Springtime and warmer temps while being one of them is not what I had in mind, rather it is the official start of the season and the spring classics.
While the pros in Europe have been battling it out at the great classics such as Milan-San Remo, Gent-Wevelgem and the Tour of Flanders, we too have been doling out the pain with our own (at least in our minds) classics. Among these are the Chinaman 100, that ends with spectacular explosions on the famed climb of the Mur de Hopheads. This features a leg snapping climb at the finish with a profile Phil Ligget has referred to as "my favorite pub stool", and it's super steep finishing ascent (with a final pitch of close to 85 degrees) that has been known to make many a rider collapse face first after draining the winners coveted crystal stein.So brutal is this race that only two riders dared to take on it's challenge this year.
And no one takes on the Darkhorse-Peekamoose-Darkhorse with any less respect. The gradients of the climbs might be significantly lower but the backwoods pave will test even the best wheelsets and rider's mechanical skills while the shotgun toting, moonshine swilling locals that line the gradual slopes of the Peekamoose climbmake for close racing in the peleton. Riders treat this climb with special respect as getting spit out the back of the caravan could lead to a life of slavery cutting wood and man servicing toothless hags that defy the logic of even the most serious beer goggles. Past years have seen the winning attacks launched from as far out as 45k as riders fuel up at the famous espresso bar Jack & Luna's but the backside up the Alp d'Minnewaska is where the field is typically shattered and the sprinters relegated to the back of the pack.
This weekend it was time for not only Paris-Roubaix but The Tour of the Battenkill, upstate New York's answer to the elitism of the Euro cycling scene. Rolling up the line for this year's classic would be NECS team of Muttonchops, Bill the Lobster, Senor Aqua (fresh off another crushing victory at Beer Cross), Top Chef, C-Dubs, Infantile Tom and Braveheart (who was considered the hands down fastest descender this year). The organizers, in battles with the UCI and USA Cycling over the participation of Pro Continental and ProTeams, ended up moving the race from it's traditional Saturday pre Paris-Roubaix slot to Sunday and direct competition with the UCI calendar. Immediately upon this announcement Braveheart threw his Lampre kit in the face of Director Sportif, Giuseppe Martinelli, declaring "take your Euros and shove them, I am going back to the good old US of A for some real racing".
With the starting gun fired the team immediately went to the front, turned up the burners and let the rest of the peleton know that if you want to be in contention on this one you better have a ticket for a ride on the pain train. Crossing the fabled covered bridge and approaching the opening climb Top Chef moved to the front and set tempo up the climb, towing the rest of the NECS over the top. The rest of the field was shattering with tongues hanging out like dogs ready to lick some, well you know what, and the pain train whistle blowing. Through the rolling sections the NECS put on a virtual clinic in team time trailing with pulls being shared by all and the pace leaving the smell of melting clinchers for the rest of the field to enjoy. With a sizable gap on the field established the pace was throttled back as we went through the feed zone and fueled up for upstate New York's version of pave - unpaved, pothole riddled back roads. During one of the longer descents Braveheart moved to the front and demonstrated his skills at mastering the Newtonian theory of gravity, stringing the entire team out in a 70kpm snake down the mountain. Senor Agua and Muttonchops moved to the front and provided the leadership as we scrambled over the rollers leading up to the final climb of the race. At the base Top Chef once again moved to the front and set the tempo with the entire team riding nose to tail. On the final descent to into the finishing town of Battenkill it was Issac Braveheart Newton moving clear of the rest with unparalled skills on the descent. Rounding the final corner it was going to any ones race to win and as I dropped a gear and zipped up the jersey to prepare for the finishing sprint and a shot a glory suddenly it all went wrong and the alarm clock went off letting me know it was time to get to the chores around the house.
The moral of the story - slotting such a powerhouse team into one of the latest starting time slots, driving 4 hours up racing 3 hours and driving 4 hours back to the city and hitting the sack after 10 pm on a Sunday made about as much sense as this.Intelligent minds prevailed and we bagged the race and spent the weekend getting in some equally kickass riding and were able to relax and enjoy the 2 days off from work.