Due to the delays encountered by Braveheart and C-Dubs, Top Chef picked up the Toyota FJ assault vehicle and headed downtown to load up on Chinese food to satisfy our hunger on the ride West. You can imagine the pain encountered as we headed into the belly of the beast - the Lincoln Tunnel at peak Friday rush hour traffic - it is right up there with the 200lb fat lady trying to squeeze into a size 2 dress, uncomfortable and downright ugly.
Not wanting to spill any of our dinner we opted for the pretzels offered right at the tunnel entrance. Braveheart, a bit skeptical, opted out believing they are kept warm by placing them on various car engines and exhaust pipes. Finally we emerged from the tunnel after a time that seemed longer then any Chilean miner had recently endured. Passing through the tolls we were startled by what had to have been a contestant on the Price is Right driving home with the winnings tied to the roof of the car.
With traffic finally flowing we stuffed our faces with Top Chefs selection of one from column A and two from column B and settled into the long grind into the night. There must have been something in the MSG because a couple of hours later we all had a real hunger going. Immediately Braveheart had the Incredible Thing (iPhone) working, locating a bevy of fine establishments down the road. Now navigating with the Incredible Thing is right up there with night riding with a pen light and sunglasses on - you can see just enough to get yourself in big trouble - and soon we found ourselves going in every direction but the right one. At that point Braveheart pulled out all the stops and looked like Rick Wakeman on the keyboards as he feverishly worked the Incredible Thing and the Garmin at the same time. Foolishly we even passed up on a sure things with McDonalds and a brewpub in quest of the perfect pizza. While all of this was going on I found myself contemplating just how good a forearm cooked over the manifold would taste. Suddenly out of the dark there is was, well not the one we were looking for, but it was a pizza shop. With lightning quick reactions achieved through years of training in the dojo, Top Chef put the FJ up on two wheels to make the turn and we were in like flint.
Turns out our primal quest had returned nothing better then a back alley pie and worse then the pizza was the McNeighborhood which kept us on McEdge the entire time. Periodic deployments were made to the McParking lot to ensure the weapons of mass destruction were still intact.
Arriving at the house we were greeted by the Mayor and Major Mike, both fresh off of a night foray into the wilds of Raystown Lake. Immediately the Mayor commented on what a dump it was (at least sans roaches and bed bugs), tossed us a beer and tuned back into the playoff game. As my eyes scanned the room I wondered if I had in fact been transported back in time to the set of All In The Family - the entire room, furniture & TV were straight out of the 70's.
Hawaiian Mike once again was "at a Cub Scout meeting", gee what a shocker that was and Infantile Tom was MIA having opted for the annual tent sale/Deliverance canoe trip put on by Ski Barn.Waking up from the devastation incurred from the previous night's Chinese food and countless beers, in my altered state I witnessed what looked like the Mayor springing from under the covers fully dressed (classic Cannondale DH jersey and slippers)
and bounding down the steps to brew up a fresh pot of Jittery Joe's coffee - praise Allah! Once we were all thoroughly jacked up on Jittery Joe's, Top Chef set about feeding the troops the infamous Egg McPaul, a breakfast that can power an entire morning of singletrack riding.
With stomachs full we headed off in cool windy conditions for an assault that was sure to go down in the annals of Raystown Lake history. Major Mike, smelling fast trails and competitive riders set an early pace that soon was taking its toll and producing some late season trail guppies.
Not satisfied with the pain being doled out, Major Mike upped the pace even more and while attacking on one of the rolling sections Top Chef encountered the rare Pennsylvania sliding oak leaf. This pesky little critter usually lays in wait at the apex of turns, camouflaged by elms and maples, looking to take out unsuspecting riders and take him out it did. I was right on Top Chef's wheel and it looked like a round of WWE with the Undertaker hurling a helpless Top Chef to the mat. On the way down he made an attempt to give a goodbye kiss to a sapling and the subsequent rejection had his head spinning like a demon was being exorcised from within. As his head hit the deck a tremor ripped through the region and a tsunami was reported on the south end of the lake. The initial damage can be seen in this shot and by the next morning it looked like some wisdom teeth had been pulled. (note the copious amounts of pain killers in the background)
After a 5 minute timeout to let the stars disappear the Major decided it was time to mellow the pace and take a spin on the Hydro Loop Trail, an awesome, flowing ride through the pines and deep forest of the area.The Mayor Grooves On The Hydro Loop Trail
Halfway through Major Mike brought the troops to a halt and decided to scout the lake for a potential swim. Suddenly while Braveheart, Top Chef and C-Dubs were breaking out the trail towels there was a rustling in the woods and we made a rare sighting of the Pennsylvania Mayorsquatch
Finally we rolled back into the parking lot for lunch and a well deserved break before the afternoon's assault on the southern loop. As we pulled up to the cars we were greeted by a bevy of young ladies that were doling out their own version of pleasure/pain on the mountain trails. Being a typical group of males we entered into casual conversation, the usual banter of where, what , when, how and why, but all the time we were in this state of mind.
By the time it was all over and they rolled out of the parking lot we were contemplating changing the team colors from red to blue. As we readied up to hit the trails both the Mayor and Braveheart were mulling over whether to ride or not. A quick "are you boys going to go antique shopping" from Top Chef and they were back on the bikes and leading the charge to the trailhead (amazing the incentive a bit of brow beating can provide).The agreed upon "casual pace" lasted for about a mile and then it was back to the hammerfest with the usual devastation and destruction in its wake. As we neared the final miles we caught this shot of the Mayor staring into the woods desperately searching for his willpower which seemed to have abandoned him late in the day.
In the final stretch of trail Top Chef, showing his technical riding prowess, gapped Major Mike and C-Dubs in the final rock garden. With the Major right on my wheel I could feel the commands deep within his head - C-Dubs if you don't catch him by the end you will drop and give me twenty, you maggot - so I did the dirty century deep dig and hit the afterburners, getting Top Chef's wheel in the final 1/2 mile of riding. With the carnage done the final count of the day was 34 miles of wicked fast singletrack with over 3000' of vertical (except for the Mayor who some how managed to get in 44 miles - probably delirium). Suddenly a penalty flag was tossed as we looked into the back of the Suburban and realized the cooler was back at the house.At this point survival instincts took over and we raced to the beer distributor like an ambulance taking a patient on life support to the hospital - balls out fast!
You can imagine the disappointment when we realized that in PA beer is only sold by the case! With supplies procured the Mayor, fearing cardiac arrest, immediately opened the case and had the first beer down before Major Mike could unlock the truck.
Back at the shack the Chugfest began in earnest to celebrate the day's victorious ride. After eating way too much food at dinner and drinking copious amounts of fine yeasty malted beverages the well lubricated Mayor suddenly had the munchies so it was off to the market where we stocked up with moon pies, 5 pints of Hagen Daz, cheese cake and a bag of Snickers. Fully engorged on food and beer we decided to burn anything in sight at the campfire where the Mayor, having caught C-Dubs doing the chicken, dared him to keep eating dumpling, claiming after each one consumed that he would pass out. Well dare taken and defeat acknowledged by the Mayor as he headed off to bed. Meanwhile a battered Top Chef proceed to pass out first on a picnic bench, then in a camping chair and finally in the role of Archie Bunker before we all called it a night.
The following morning, feeling the pain and suffering from both the riding and drinking, everyone (except Major Mike) groaned and faced with long drives home, called it a day.Back in the FJ assault vehicle Braveheart was busy with the Incredible Thing locating the nearest Starbucks before Top Chef went into convulsions. After two different Starbucks stops we reached the home stretch and the feared Lincoln Tunnel once again. This time is wasn't the traffic that did us in but the chemical attack Top Chef unleashed right as we entered the tunnel. With a choice of carbon monoxide or ass gas, I opt for the windows down until everyone was out of the vehicle and headed home.
Major Mike Leading The Troops
Raystown Lake From The Summit
CDubs Gives The Team Seagal Salute
Mayor Goes Gangsta After Numerous Dogfish Head Beers
Backwoods Pennsylvania Bromance
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