Tribute To A Battered Warrior - Nico Toscani

In honor of our good friend and total jerk, Nico Toscani, the video shows the various situations that might have brought about the demise and transformation of his Major One to a Major Two.



Nico displaying the superior attitude and superior state of mind - enjoy the morphine while it lasts!

Singlespeed-a-Palooza - Mountain Bike Mud Wrestling NECS Style

The past couple of weeks the crew at Dark Horse (that means The Mayor and Raveinator) had been busy clearing the debris from the winter storms, rerouting some of the trails and getting Stewart nice and buffed up for the 2nd Annual Singlespeed-a-Palooza. And work they had, on the preride the day before the trails were smooth, hardpacked (a bit dusty) and in fantastic shape - quite a feat given the winter damage - it was shaping up to be a blazing fast race with defending champion, Mike (The Crusher) Montalbano, rumored to be running with a 35x16 combo!About 5am on race day the Mayor wandered down to his dungeon to unlock the cage and let out the gimp (Mikesquatch), bellowing out "This Sport Is Stoopid" as the heavens continued to unload on Stewart. What had, only 12 hours ago, been pristine, hard and smooth as a cheerleaders ass singletrack was now a slippery mess and after the first lap and 250 riders was assured to be a one wrung above a mud wrestling pit. In fact to get ready for the race the women's class held an unofficial wrestle off for the front row.Meanwhile Monte was roaming the registration tables and starting area with totally crazed look in his eyes and mumbling "you are going to feel my pain bitch" over and over to anyone brave enough to get close.Back at the parking area the NECS/MRC contingent were a bit more relaxed about the race, finishing off the last of the Chinese food, topping off the bike flask with some fine Del Maguay and popping a couple of cold frosty PBRs for the prerace carbo loading. So with the rain still falling the troops mounted up and headed to the starting line. At the starting line the top 10 from last year were called up to the select starting gate while the rest of us huddled in the pack and jostled for position, (I didn't find it hard to make my way to the back of the pack), with open men & women going off at the same time. When the gun went off Thor proved that he is kinder and gentler then his father Odin and proceeded to let all of the women pass him before the entry into the first of the singletrack. Battling through the mud and slime it wasn't until midway through the first lap Thor finally caught up with Muttonchops just before the umbrella factory. Once inside they were greeted by the Mayor and it was time for the first round of Del Maguay shots.
On the second lap in a total state of delirium we crested the fire road climb to be greeted by Mrs. C-Dubs and Mrs. Top Chef with frosty cold PBRs in hand. Thankfully the PBRs quenched the thirst and brought us back to reality - the rest of the climb up Major Mike which is usually hard packed on a good day but by now would be nothing but a trail of greasy mud. To add insult to injury the conditions were even worse then we imagined and the fresh section at the top was now a sea of mud and it was time to dismount and walk the one level section before hiking down the hill rather then face the prospects of a chance meeting with a tree at speed on the descent. Further along we thought we had stumbled into either the emphysema ward of a hospital or the set of a porn movie as the heavy breathing got louder and louder. Before we knew what had hit us Braveheart was by and off into the distance - well that meant only one thing, another shot of Del Maguay.Entering the closing stages my mischievous ways got the better of me. Having given up on waiting at the stream for Infantile Tom I sized up a deep water hole on the fire road. Right as Muttonchops took the outside line I bolted past and gave him the classic water hole drive by. The subsequent spray emptied the water hole and revealed the rarest of all creatures in Stewart - the Infantile GuppyIt was another Dark Horse mudfest and when it was all over and the last of the mud had been washed off Monte had once again smoked the field and the Dark Horse crew in as follows -
Monte 1:50:33
Not Over 60 (miles) 2:20:45
Senor Agua 2:21:37
MacGyver 2:31:01
Top Chef 2:31:35
Fat Chick w/ Hot Friends 2:36:59
Major Mike 2:42:04
Braveheart 2:42:33
Infantile Tom 2:52:16
Muttonchops 2:56:40
Thor 2:56:44

Saved From The Jaws of Dr. Kevorkian

After 3 days in the ICU at Dark Horse Memorial Bicycle Hospital we are pleased to announce that CycloBeth is doing well and recovering from a seatpostectomy. The mighty guns of Dr. Raveinator were finally able to extract the Thomson No Longer A Masterpiece seatpost with out leaving a scar on the patient. Now for a quick cleaning up with some 400 grit and she will be ready for action with a carbon fiber prosthesis.

Thor's Singlespeed-a-Palooza Race Bike

Thor, Norse god of thunder, is a son of Odin and Jord, and one of the most powerful gods. He is married to Beth, a fertility goddess. His mistress is the giantess Jarnsaxa ("steel singlespeed"), and their sons are Magni and Modi and his daughter is Thrud. Thor is helped by Towelie, his servant and the messenger of the gods.
Thor was usually portrayed as a large, powerful man with a healthy 5 o'clock shadow and red eyes of a chinaman. Despite his ferocious appearance, Thor is very popular with the singlespeed set as the protector of both singletrack and humans against the forces of evil. He even surpassed his father Odin in popularity because, contrary to Odin, he did not require human sacrifices, only shots of Del Maguay & a towel.
The Norse believed that during a thunderstorm, Thor rode through the heavens on his singlespeed chariot pulled by the goats El Jefe ("gap-tooth") and Mikesquatch ("tooth grinder"). Lightning flashed whenever he threw his hammer Mjollnir. Thor wears the belt Megingjard which doubles his already considerable strength. His hall is Man Cave, which is located in the region Stewart State Forest ("place of mighty singletrack"). His greatest enemy is Jormungand, the Hip Serpent. At the day of Ragnarok, Thor will kill this serpent and despite it's poisonous bite will rise from the battle with a new hip. His sons will inherit his hammer after his death. Look for Thor at this weekend's Singlespeed-a-Palooza.

Thor's Chariot of Fire for Singlespeed-a-Palooza

Ooops - I F*#k'ed Up

(Steel frame + moisture)/improper care = frozen seatpostThe patient is currently in ICU under the care of Doctor Raveinator (formally known as Shop Sidekick) and Doctor Mayor, progonsis is good but there is the possiblity of a seatpostectomy.

Tour of the Battenkill

Turns out I had registered in the wrong category (seems road racing is a bit more organized on this front then the regional mtb races) and didn't find out until days before that I was off the waiting list and in the Cat 5 White group. Finding out at the last minute that you are in a race gives little time to prep and get mentally ready for the event. Luckily while I hadn't been training hard it had been going alright so finishing wasn't going to be a problem but riding in a pack of 50 riders could provide a bit more excitement then I was ready for.
Since the forecast was calling for temps in the mid 30s, winds in the 15-20 mph range and a chance of snow showers in the morning, I had to venture to the house for a better assortment of gear. This meant hitting the road at 5 am to leave prerace registration and warm up time. The lovely Mrs C-Dubs had done a great job of setting me up with an assortment of digestibles for the drive as well as after the race. Armed with two cups of high powered Costa Rican coffee I set off for the great white north. Getting pumped up listening to some good old rock and roll and the spiritual guidance of my Tom Tom buddy Serge, I followed his every command ("in 200 yummy yards go right" and "go gay, I mean straight") and 2 1/2 hours later I arrived at the starting area.
Opening the door I felt like a newborn being pulled from the warmth of the womb. At 8:00 am the temps were only a few degrees above freezing and when you factor in the overcast conditions and the windchill (winds were out of the Northwest at 15-20 mph) it was well below freezing. Within minutes the snow started to fall but thankfully it was only for a quick flurry and there was no accumulation. About an hour later Top Chef and Braveheart pulled up in the A3, glad to be starting an hour later then I was.
Heeding to the advise of Marci de Sade, I made sure to get a slot right at the front of the pack for the rolling start to avoid getting boxed in and taken down in a crash. Riding right up at the front paid off, within a 1/2 mile of the start I heard the first crash happen and shortly after a gunshot sound as a rider lost a tube. During all of this one rider slipped slowly off the front and none of us really felt like giving chase at that point, but once onto the dirt roads he was out of sight and the pack immediately picked up the pace and the chase was on. The first big climb came at 18km in and the pack was immediately shattered with a group of 15 getting off the front with the rest of us scattered about the course. The first lesson of road racing was just learned - don't lose the pace line or your f#*ked. There I was in no man's land with riders just up the road and I was neither catching or being caught over the next couple of climbs. Once out on the rolling terrain we all faced stiff head winds and here I figured out lesson number 2 - if you can't catch the guy in front ease up and join in with the next group that comes up. Over the course of the rolling terrain our 4 man pace line battled the gusty winds until I lost a bottle as we crossed the railroad tracks. Time for a quick decision - do I keep going without any fluids to stay in the pace line or turnaround and grab the bottle and ride in no man's land? I figured no matter how much energy I was saving in the pace line if I dehydrated (and with all the layers this wouldn't take to long) I would be off the back and solo so I turned around and grabbed the bottle only to watch the other 3 slowly ride off into the distance as I went at it alone (actually I had another rider on my tail but he refused to take the lead). The balance of the race was either solo or two man efforts with the final 7 miles all alone, finally crossing the line in 18th and a time of 3:28:16.
Meanwhile in the Cat 5 Black Top Chef was cooking along and had hooked into a nice 9 man freight trainpowering home in 14th with a time of 3:26:37. Braveheart, sans kilt gave it his all and after switching from Cat 5 White to Cat 5 Black came through the finishing area so fast the computer failed to register his time.

NECS/MRC Non Race # 1 - The Hillbilly 60

This weekend the newly formed MRC (Millionaires Riding Corporation, a wholly owned subsidiary of the New East Coast Syndicate), kicked off the 2010 Non Road Race Series with the Hill Billy 60. The brainchild of the series, Top Chef, concluded that most of us were getting tired of the same rides and often solo ones at that. Membership in the MRC is straight forward, instead of buying shares of stock on the NYSE all you have to do is bring beer and a good attitude and you're in, oh yeah it helps to not have a job that requires working on Saturday.
Right from the start everyone was in a spirited mood and the ribbing came on fast and furious. We were all wondering why the Mayor was a no show until we turned and noticed this sign and understood the mathematics of it all, No Alcohol + No Bikes = No Mayor. Still laughing from this, the next round of entertainment came when Mr. Happy and Not Over 60 (Miles) came tearing into the parking lot in the self accelerating Toyota Tacoma, outfitted in matching Dark Horse Racing kit and matching Specialized Tarmacs, it was true bromance in the making. And to make it complete Joe Johnson, rocking a hot set of Bontrager Aeolus 6.5s, commented on how he felt like the fat chick at a bar with all of her hot girlfriends. Thus was born the newest member of the NECS - Fat Chick w/ Hot Girlfriends aka Joe Johnson.
This weeks course kicked off with a nice 5 mile climb to Minnewaska State Park that sorted the crew out before a quick break at the summit to regroup. The ensuing descent spread the group out and at the bottom Lobster headed into the woods for some relief only to be dropped after finding some love with the local critters. We all waited up the road and after a few minutes assumed that he had headed off on another one of his 100+ mile solo efforts. MacGyver showed he truly was the Little Engine That Could and lead the pace line all the way to Rosendale where suddenly out of a side road the Lobster appeared.
Soon after this it was a mandatory stop at Top Chef's favorite espresso bar - Jack & Luna to refill the bottles and recharge the batteries. Suddenly a blood curling scream came from inside - the espresso machine was down for the day. Sluggishly rolling out we headed for the grand finale, Sampsonville road the steep way. The group splinter and reconnected on each climb and up the final pitch Mr. Happy made his bid for glory coming up fast on Top Chef. Right as he pulled along side it was clear he had shot his load and suddenly the smiling face knotted up and imploded 100' from the top. At fast descent over the next 6 miles and we were back in the parking lot and done for the day.

Mikesquatch Confirmation

We want to extend a big thank you to Braveheart for his assistance in solving the mystery of Mikesquatch. Griff noted that, "Chris, we have some pretty advanced digital enhancement software here at CF. I asked the guys in the studio to run your Sasquatch image through the New Beta version. It's incredible what they were able to isolate. Scientifically speaking I'm not sure what it is exactly. Maybe your readers do."