Singlespeed-a-Palooza - Mountain Bike Mud Wrestling NECS Style

The past couple of weeks the crew at Dark Horse (that means The Mayor and Raveinator) had been busy clearing the debris from the winter storms, rerouting some of the trails and getting Stewart nice and buffed up for the 2nd Annual Singlespeed-a-Palooza. And work they had, on the preride the day before the trails were smooth, hardpacked (a bit dusty) and in fantastic shape - quite a feat given the winter damage - it was shaping up to be a blazing fast race with defending champion, Mike (The Crusher) Montalbano, rumored to be running with a 35x16 combo!About 5am on race day the Mayor wandered down to his dungeon to unlock the cage and let out the gimp (Mikesquatch), bellowing out "This Sport Is Stoopid" as the heavens continued to unload on Stewart. What had, only 12 hours ago, been pristine, hard and smooth as a cheerleaders ass singletrack was now a slippery mess and after the first lap and 250 riders was assured to be a one wrung above a mud wrestling pit. In fact to get ready for the race the women's class held an unofficial wrestle off for the front row.Meanwhile Monte was roaming the registration tables and starting area with totally crazed look in his eyes and mumbling "you are going to feel my pain bitch" over and over to anyone brave enough to get close.Back at the parking area the NECS/MRC contingent were a bit more relaxed about the race, finishing off the last of the Chinese food, topping off the bike flask with some fine Del Maguay and popping a couple of cold frosty PBRs for the prerace carbo loading. So with the rain still falling the troops mounted up and headed to the starting line. At the starting line the top 10 from last year were called up to the select starting gate while the rest of us huddled in the pack and jostled for position, (I didn't find it hard to make my way to the back of the pack), with open men & women going off at the same time. When the gun went off Thor proved that he is kinder and gentler then his father Odin and proceeded to let all of the women pass him before the entry into the first of the singletrack. Battling through the mud and slime it wasn't until midway through the first lap Thor finally caught up with Muttonchops just before the umbrella factory. Once inside they were greeted by the Mayor and it was time for the first round of Del Maguay shots.
On the second lap in a total state of delirium we crested the fire road climb to be greeted by Mrs. C-Dubs and Mrs. Top Chef with frosty cold PBRs in hand. Thankfully the PBRs quenched the thirst and brought us back to reality - the rest of the climb up Major Mike which is usually hard packed on a good day but by now would be nothing but a trail of greasy mud. To add insult to injury the conditions were even worse then we imagined and the fresh section at the top was now a sea of mud and it was time to dismount and walk the one level section before hiking down the hill rather then face the prospects of a chance meeting with a tree at speed on the descent. Further along we thought we had stumbled into either the emphysema ward of a hospital or the set of a porn movie as the heavy breathing got louder and louder. Before we knew what had hit us Braveheart was by and off into the distance - well that meant only one thing, another shot of Del Maguay.Entering the closing stages my mischievous ways got the better of me. Having given up on waiting at the stream for Infantile Tom I sized up a deep water hole on the fire road. Right as Muttonchops took the outside line I bolted past and gave him the classic water hole drive by. The subsequent spray emptied the water hole and revealed the rarest of all creatures in Stewart - the Infantile GuppyIt was another Dark Horse mudfest and when it was all over and the last of the mud had been washed off Monte had once again smoked the field and the Dark Horse crew in as follows -
Monte 1:50:33
Not Over 60 (miles) 2:20:45
Senor Agua 2:21:37
MacGyver 2:31:01
Top Chef 2:31:35
Fat Chick w/ Hot Friends 2:36:59
Major Mike 2:42:04
Braveheart 2:42:33
Infantile Tom 2:52:16
Muttonchops 2:56:40
Thor 2:56:44